Generic Medieval RTD

As the title suggests, a generic medieval RTD.
The game begins in the castle's lobby, talking to a bored elf secretary. As you walk in, she slides a piece of paper across the desk. She says 'Fill it out and turn it into the basket when you're done. Have a nice day.'
The sheet reads;

Spoiler:

The list of classes are as follows:

Spoiler:

The subclasses are as follows:

Spoiler:

The races are as follows;

Spoiler:

Name: Choculatt

Description:

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Traits:

breakfast cereal and seeing at night

Weaknesses:

Women and oatmeal

Class: Wizard

Sub-Class: Illusionist

Race: Vampire

Name: Ignacious
Description: A hairless, muscular man, burn wounds on his open flesh and facial tatoos.
Traits: Self Immolation, Primal Instincts
Weaknesses: Vulnerable Burn Wounds, Magic
Class: Warrior
Sub-Class: Berserker
Race: Human

Name: John Ravenwing Glensteel
Description: A totally edgy elf with a kickass scar on his eye or something. Also his hair is black with streaks of red like blood. He has six fingers on his left hand.
Traits: Hitting On Babes, Casting When Using A Sword
Weaknesses: Basic Safety Knowledge or Self Preservation, Fighting Without A Sword
Class: Rogue
Sub-Class: Alchemist
Race: Elf

Choculatt:
Roll for gear.. [6]
You are dressed in a black robe with a black wig. You also have two buck teeth for some reason. With you, you have a box of breakfast cereal that you can use to eject various things, including smoke bombs, breakfast cereal, and fake blood. You also have a staff that gives you +1 to illusory magics.
Roll for money.. [4]
You have acquired some money from performing on street corners, but you have recently been robbed by a psychopath wearing tree trunks. You have 30 silvers and 50 coppers.
Roll for popularity.. [5]
Noone particularly cares about you, but you are acquaintances with someone who owns a staff shop. You also are best of friends with someone who owns a 'ye olde grocery store' that stocks breakfast cereal.

Ignacious:
Roll for gear.. [5]
You have some wooden planks strapped to your arms, and hollowed out sections of tree-trunks on your thighs. On your chest, you have some rags. You also have a rusted sword, and in your other hand you have a torch. On your left thigh, you have a stash of rubbing alcohol.
Roll for money.. [4]
You broke into some poor illusionist's house and jacked 30 silvers and 50 coppers.
Roll for popularity.. [7]
You are friends with a lizard barkeeper who gives you drinks on the house. You are also well known at his bar, and you know a lumberjack that fashioned you your current clothing.

Ravenwing:
Roll for gear.. [1]
You got recently robbed by some broad who stripped you naked other then some underwear with hearts on it. You have a purple stain on the crotch of it which you suspect was the remnants of a Potion of Speed.
Roll for money.. [10]
She totally missed your coinpurse though, and you have 10 gold, 23 silvers and 60 coppers. Let's not ask where you kept it.
Roll for popularity.. [7]
You are known by a lot of women in the town, as well as the same barkeeper that Ignacious hangs out with. You know a band of travelling elves that occasionally split profits with you from their muggings.

After walking out of the castle, all three of you guys decide to get gear for your adventure.

Conjure bottle of CHOCOBAT (TM) flavored Milk product

Go to the smithy to see about buying a fine rapier or sweet-ass katana. I'll deal with getting some clothes later.

Choculatt:
[5]
You conjure a bottle of CHOCOBAT (TM) flavored milk product, except it is only half full.

Ravenwing:
[9]
You slide into a smithy's workshop, with accompanying slidewhistle. As you slide in, a passing girl swoons and a broad gets finished kissing your rock hard 6-pack. You ask to see his finest rapier, and he starts sweating, runs towards you, shoves you outside and throws a masterwork steel rapier at your feet. He then slams the door. You throw a gold piece under the door as payment. You examine the blade, and discover it gives you a +2 to piercing attacks.

Ignacious:
[6]
You walk into the tavern casually. You are greeted by the barkeep who sets down a small flagon of the strongest mead available, the only kind that you drink.

Dump the drink on my head as usual.

Hot damn! Head to the tailors to get some leather "armor", and try to chat up the lady at the counter.

store bottle in cloak, and look for a sun hat

Ignacious: [1]
You attempt to dump the drink on your head, and instead swing it around and smash it across the face of an innocent 8' tall orc. He turns around and draws a massive iron battleaxe from his back.

Ravenwing: [4]
You go to the nearest tailors and try to chat up the lady at the counter. Turns out it's a guy, and he punches you in the face. You still manage to buy some cheap leather armor for 50 silvers, but it only gives you a +1 to piercing defense.

Choculatt: [4]
You attempt to store the bottle in your cloak, but accidentally drink 10% of the milk. You try to find a sun hat, but instead find a moon hat. It gives you no negative or positives, but it's a fucking massive moon mask.

Nurse my wounds and head to the bar to get drunk/laid/in a fight.

>accidentaly drink 10% what am I a fucking self klepto

attempt number 2 at sun hat, so I have have a sun moon X2 combo

PRIMAL SCREAM followed by SELF IMMOLATION.

Ignacious: [8] + [1] (Self Immolation) + [1] (Primal Instincts) = [10]
You ignite yourself in a massive blaze of glory, scorching all of the skin on the orc's body for [3] damage. You then let out a massive scream at the top of your lungs, shattering everyone's eardrums who are currently in the bar for [4] damage to each one of them. For some reason, your eardrums are intact. Orc has: 3/10 HP

Choculatt: [8] - [1] (Day) = [7]
You attempt to get a sunhat, and find a glorious straw hat forged in orphan tears. It gives you a +1 to seeing during the day.

Ravenwing: [3]
You attempt to go to the bar after punching yourself in the bruise, and instead, casually slide into a blazing inferno. A terrifying screech damages your eardrums.
You have: 5/10 HP

>walk into the bar to pick up chicks
>getting screamed at by flaming human
>>flaming
I've been warned about bars like this. Make my exit quickly before I have a sexual encounter I regret.

JUMP ON IT (The Orc)

notice flaming man in bar, go to bar and unload CHOCOBAT (TM) flavored milk product on the flaming man

Choculatt: [3]
You walk into the bar, approach the flaming man, promptly catch fire, scream, and then drop your milk. You now have 8/10 HP.

Ignacious: [10] + [1] (BERSERKER RAGE) = [11]
You leap onto the orc, screaming, and repeatedly slam your rusted sword into his skull and successfully demolish his entire brainpan. You then proceed to go apeshit on his corpse, slamming it approximately 1 foot into the ground. You cram your sword into his throat, and then leap onto the sword. The orc has -23/10 HP.

Ravenwing: [8]
You do 10 consecutive backflips away from the bar, and then land them all. You have successfully escaped without and unpleasant sexual experiences.

Calm down and apologize formally to the barkeep for your unfortunate misdemeanor.

SIGHN, ignore the fire, leave the bar and attempt to adapt to the sun like a real man

Brew up a potion to dull the pain/get me really f*cking high after all this shit (girl jacking my clothes, flaming dude burning me)

Ignacious: [2]
You attempt to calm down, and instead turn to the barkeep, scream some incomprehensible gibberish in his face, to which he replies, astonished 'W-what?'. You then awkwardly scream 'Y-YOU TOO' and then stare at your bloodsoaked treetrunks awkwardly.

Choculatt: [1]
You try to ignore the fire, but you can't stop screaming. When you finally calm down, you attempt to adapt to the sun, and instead scream and attempt to drink the blood from a passing minotaur. He looks down at you and says 'whatchuwant whiteboy hehe hey guys look at this chump' and then starts to shove you into an alleyway.

Ravenwing: [1]
You try to brew a potion, and instead create a terrifying concoction that somehow forms a terrorist wearing a bomb jacket, and then he explodes in your face, leaving you at 3/10 HP.